UMASS Dartmouth Undergraduate Prompt:
· Transfer applicants must attach a one-page statement about the experiences and the reasons why you are considering transfer or resuming your academic career.
Education is My Main Priority
Education is one of my main priorities in life. Ever since I was a child, my parents encouraged me to thrive in school. Though my parents never attended a higher institution, they taught me that having an education will give me growth and success in the future. My parents, as many, left loved ones behind in-order to immigrate to the United States in search of a better life. Through their struggles and their passion for success, they were able to live comfortably and give me and my sibling a better life compared to their own. My parents are my inspiration to further my education.
Being a senior in high school was overwhelming to decide what colleges I would like to apply to. There are so many possibilities and so many different career options. At that time, I was not sure what career I wanted to pursue. I applied into the General Studies program in Bristol Community College to explore the different options. Today, I am certain I want to pursue my career in business.
I am very interested in the business and honors programs that are offered at UMASS Dartmouth. The university has a well-known and acknowledged business and honors program. The school meets my financial status and it is located close to home. My sister is currently enrolled in UMASS Dartmouth and she said the school has given her the education she needs to pursue a job in business. For these reasons, I believe that applying to the business program at UMASS will enable me to achieve my goal of earning my college degree.
` I think it is very important to further my education in order to follow the track to success. Most jobs require a person who not only has a degree, but they also look for those who have high ambition, commitment, and the ability to further themselves in their career. With my transfer to UMASS, I believe I will get not only the desired college degree but also a life enhancing experience that will prepare me for whatever my future holds.
Post Write:
· I feel that the reader will understand my topic. The title of the essay tells the reader that education is my main priority. I also stated in my essay that I am certain I want to pursue my career in business; I hope to transfer to UMASS Dartmouth for the business and honors programs.
· I believe I still should give more detail why I want to transfer to UMASS Dartmouth.
· 1) Does my essay answer the prompt?
2) Should I add something else in my application essay to show UMASS Dartmouth that I am a good candidate?
Nicole Brennan October 5, 2011
ReplyDeleteEnglish 101-A13
Peer Review – Application Essay
Partners Name: Melanie Freitas
Title of Paper Reviewed: “Education is my main priority.”
In your own words, fully and with precision, describe what the assignment is asking the writer (your partner) to do? Please use your own words rather than merely quote from the assignment.
The assignment is asking my partner to write a one page statement about her reasons and her experiences that lead her to consider transferring or resuming her education at UMASS Dartmouth.
To what extent has your partner met the expectations of the assignment? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what works well there. Again, try to use your own words.
First, I would just like to tell my reader that she kept me very interested the entire time, her paper was not boring at all. The language of the paper was very intriguing, but yet not to formal.
My partner has provided the writing prompt at the top of her essay so I was aware of her focus and the expectations of the reader. I was also aware of the college name because my partner provided it.
My partners paper is also one page long just as the prompt has instructed. I also think that the topic sentences of each paragraph work well as individual paragraphs and as a whole essay combined.
My partner met the expectations of the assignment very well in most places. For example, in the third paragraph "I believe that applying to the business program at UMASS will enable me to achieve my goal of earning my college degree." Also, "The school meets my finical status and it is located close to my home." This shows that UMASS is something personal to my partner.
Another example where something worked is where she said "the university has a well-known and acknowledged business and honors program." This shows that she has some knowledge on the college, and that she has done her research on the college.
Another example is when she says "My sister is currently enrolled in UMASS Dartmouth and she said the school has given her the education she needs to pursue a job in business." This shows that my partner has talked to others about the school and she has heard someone’s personal experience which affects more people’s decision on colleges.
The entire third paragraph shows that she’s done her research on the school, she’s talked to others about the school, and it shows that the college is something personal to her.
What area needs more work? Why? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what isn’t working.
I think that my partner needs to add more evidence to support her claim. She needs to add more into the paper about why she chooses UMass Dartmouth; she includes some reasons but the focal point of the paper is her education not necessarily her education at UMass Dartmouth. Half the paper is about her education and half the paper is about UMass. I do not think my partner should take out how much education means to her, but I think she should cut it down and summarize it. Maybe a different reader sees the focal point as UMass, but I think out of personal preference she should add more about why UMass is so perfect for her. My partner also established the connection between her education being essential and her education at UMass, but if I worked in the admissions office and I read this essay I would think that UMass is at the top of her list but not her number one choice of school.
The dominant impression left on me by this essay is how much her education means to her, which is what I talked about in the previous paragraph.
Please indicate TWO questions about the draft and at least ONE suggestion for ways to improve it.
What makes UMass Dartmouth so special to you?
Why is business the major you have chosen?
Like I stated earlier, I think you should include more reasons why UMass is your school of choice and make the reader know it is in fact your number one choice.