UMASS Dartmouth Undergraduate Prompt:
· Transfer applicants must attach a one-page statement about the experiences and the reasons why you are considering transfer or resuming your academic career.
Education is My Main Priority
Education is one of my main priorities in life. Ever since I was a child, my parents encouraged me to thrive in school. Though my parents never attended a higher institution, they taught me that having an education will give me growth and success in the future. My parents, as many, left loved ones behind in-order to immigrate to the United States in search of a better life. Through their struggles and their passion for success, they were able to live comfortably and give me and my sibling a better life compared to their own. My parents are my inspiration to further my education.
Being a senior in high school was overwhelming to decide what colleges I would like to apply to. There are so many possibilities and so many different career options. At that time, I was not sure what career I wanted to pursue. I applied into the General Studies program in Bristol Community College to explore the different options. Today, I am certain I want to pursue my career in business.
I am very interested in the business and honors programs that are offered at UMASS Dartmouth. In the future I will hope to own a business like my father; he is my inspiration to earn my business degree. The university has a well-known and acknowledged business and honors program. The school meets my financial status and it is located close to home. My sister is currently enrolled in UMASS Dartmouth and she said the school has given her the education she needs to pursue a job in business. For these reasons, I believe that applying to the business program at UMASS will enable me to achieve my goal of earning my college degree.
` I think it is very important to further my education in order to follow the track to success. Most jobs require a person who not only has a degree, but they also look for those who have high ambition, commitment, and the ability to further themselves in their career. With my transfer to UMASS, I believe I will get not only the desired college degree but also a life enhancing experience that will prepare me for whatever my future holds.
Post Write:
· I feel like I answered the prompt clearly. I will like to transfer to UMASS Dartmouth to receive a college degree in business. My father is my inspiration to go in the business field. Education is my main priority; it will help me follow the track of success.
· Writing this paper it was hard to see what I should put and what I should leave out. I want to answer the prompt, without giving a lot of personal detail.
· 1) Does the reader understand my main topic in the essay?
2) What other things could I add to make this more of an application essay without giving to much personal detail?
Hi Melanie:
ReplyDeleteI like the clarity of your writing: I see few technical lapses. And your purpose comes clear at the end. It is true that one gets the impression early on that this essay may be in tribute to your parents' influence but, of course, you build on that influence in choosing your own path. Perhaps you might want to hint at what that path is at the start: your call.
I wonder if you can say how you came to choose the business major from your work at BCC? What or who excited you about that subject? That information seems relevant for a transfer application, no?
I sense the need to rework this sentence and to provide a transition with the sentence before? Being a senior in high school was overwhelming to decide what colleges I would like to apply to
Talk Back:
ReplyDelete- My writing is clear and my purpose of the essay is stated very clearly at the end of my essay. When reading my essay,the reader's first impression is that my essay will be a tribute to my parents and as the reader reads along, I have chosen my own path. I should include how I chose the business major from working at BCC and what/who interested me toward this path. I should also rework on this sentence "Being a senior in high school was overwhelming to decide what colleges I would like to apply to."
-Does my essay flow from idea to another idea. I focused on my parents influence on the first paragraph then I stated why I chose to go into the General Studies Program at BCC and at the end of my essay I stated why I would like to attend the business major at UMASS Dartmouth.
- I will try to keep my other essay's clarified like this essay. I will work on stating what is my purpose at the beginning of the essay so the reader will understand my point in the essay.