Saturday, October 22, 2011

Unforgettable Challenges (Second draft of profile)


“Unforgettable Challenges”
The unforgettable challenges in life are the challenges that are still fresh in your mind even today, after so many years.
At the young age of seven in a small village in Portugal, my uncle Rogerio Mendes would wake up every day before the sun would rise. He had a very important mission to accomplish for his nonstop, hard working mother before the beginning of classes at seven-thirty; he had to deliver the freshly baked bread that his mother had made to the customers. A donkey would transport him and the bread to every customer’s house scattered around the village. “After going on the same route day after day the donkey would cry, waking me up when we arrived at the destination.” he says with a laugh. As my uncle Rogerio got older, he faced some serious challenges that he will never forget.
            In the year 1959, at the age of eleven, my uncle stopped attending school and started working in a factory producing bricks. His days at the factory were cut short when he accidentally broke a mold resulting in a life changing day. My uncle’s boss told him he had to pay three thousand escudos for it, at that time it was a fortune. “Thoughts were going through my head; I would have to work for the rest of my life to relieve myself from debt. I had to run away.” he recalls. The following day he packed a change of clothes and waited until everyone left the house to run away. His destination: Spain because he heard many times that there was work available in the coal mines. Rogerio walked many miles to the neighboring country of Spain. He rested a while in a tavern where an older man recognized him and asked my uncle what he was doing in Spain. He responded that he was going to work. The man told my uncle that he was under age to work in the coal mines and proposed that he worked at his farm. “I agreed because it was something to begin with. The farmer and his family took me under their wing. They kindly provided me with food, housing, and a small salary.” he says with satisfaction. The family treated him like a new member of the family. My uncle was very lucky; he stated: “They were my second family, though I still kept in touch with my own family back home. . . .I stayed there happily for ten years.”
            At the age of twenty-one, my uncle’s mother notified him that he was required to serve in the army. My uncle had no other choice, he went to Africa. The war involved the countries of Angola, Mozambique, and Guinea; for the purpose of keeping these three countries as Portuguese colonies. He served in Guinea for two years, from 1970 until 1972. One hundred and fifty soldiers were in my uncle’s group, and my uncle adds that the group watched out for each other.  “War was not always sad, people got shot, but we tried to think of the positive to keep ourselves going,” he said with bravery. Rogerio was in charge of the heavy guns, such as a bazooka, and when needed he used his pistol. The conditions of the war were not easy, sometimes they had no water to drink, they had to eat rice every day, and the soldiers slept in a trench four feet deep which they poked holes to keep an eye out for attackers.
            Many humid, hot and restless nights the soldiers would try to entertain themselves by drinking beer and playing the small wooded guitars. Some soldiers, like my uncle, would take the new born animals that were in the jungle and raise them; they had dogs, monkeys, squirrels, and a cheetah. “I had a small dog that was better than any soldier. Quito (the dog’s name) would tell if anyone or anything was coming from near or far” my uncle said proudly. Some nights the soldiers got drunk and one of those nights my uncle woke up the next day with a tattoo on his arm, “It was a drunken mistake,” he laughingly explained. The tattoo, done by my uncle himself is a snake wrapped around a sword which symbolized nothing at the time, but now has a long history behind it. Though he was million miles away, he kept in touch with his family and his second family in Spain.
At the end of 1972, my uncle was shipped back to Portugal. He stayed there for two months then followed his family’s footsteps to America to start a new chapter of his life.  Today my uncle is married, has two daughters, and a beautiful granddaughter. Many times he brings up the stories of his past challenges. These challenges made him stronger and made him who he is today. My uncle Rogerio values his life more and enjoys the little things in life.
             

Post Write:
-          I feel like my paper identifies an interesting to me and hopefully to others. I interviewed my uncle that has gone through many challenges in life, what makes him who he is today. I provided my profile with small anecdotes like when my uncle was eleven and ran away to the neighbor country of Spain to work in the coal mines. I used quotations that I thought would flow with my writing; I put the quotation “It was a drunken mistake” to give the reader the image what my uncle Rogerio would say if he/she meet him in person.

-          I don’t know what else I can do to make my profile better. I have completed all the requirements. I included a thesis statement which is “As my uncle Rogerio got older, he faced some serious challenges that he will never forget.” I added some quotations from my subject, “Thoughts were going through my head; I would have to work for the rest of my life to relieve myself from debt. I had to run away.” I believe my profile flows from fact to fact.  

-          1) Is my profile on my uncle interesting?
 2)Is there an area I still need to work on, that was not clear?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Unforgettable Challenges (profile)


“Unforgettable Challenges”
The unforgettable challenges in life are the challenges that are still fresh in your mind even today, after so many years.
At the young age of seven in a small village in Portugal, my uncle Rogerio Mendes would wake up every day before the sun would rise. He had a very important mission to accomplish for his nonstop, hard working mother before the beginning of classes at seven-thirty; he had to deliver the freshly baked bread that his mother had made to the customers. A donkey would transport him and the bread to every customer’s house scattered around the village. “After going on the same route day after day the donkey would cry, waking me up when we arrived at the destination.” he says with a laugh. As my uncle Rogerio got older, he faced some serious challenges that he will never forget.
            In the year 1959, at the age of eleven, my uncle stopped attending school and started working in a factory producing bricks. His days at the factory were cut short when he accidentally broke a mold resulting in a life changing day. My uncle’s boss told him he had to pay three thousand escudos for it, at that time it was a fortune. “Thoughts were going through my head; I would have to work for the rest of my life to relieve myself from debt. I had to run away.” he recalls. The following day he packed a change of clothes and waited until everyone left the house to run away. His destination: Spain because he heard many times that there was work available in the coal mines. Rogerio walked many miles to the neighboring country of Spain. He rested a while in a tavern where an older man recognized him and asked my uncle what he was doing in Spain. He responded that he was going to work. The man told my uncle that he was under age to work in the coal mines and proposed that he worked at his farm. “I agreed because it was something to begin with. The farmer and his family took me under their wing. They kindly provided me with food, housing, and a small salary.” he says with satisfaction. The family treated him like a new member of the family. My uncle was very lucky; he stated: “They were my second family, though I still kept in touch with my own family back home. . . .I stayed there happily for ten years.”
            At the age of twenty-one, my uncle’s mother notified him that he was required to serve in the army. My uncle had no other choice, he went to Africa. The war involved the countries of Angola, Mozambique, and Guinea; for the purpose of keeping these three countries as Portuguese colonies. He served in Guinea for two years, from 1970 until 1972. One hundred and fifty soldiers were in my uncle’s group, and my uncle adds that the group watched out for each other.  “War was not always sad, people got shot, but we tried to think of the positive to keep ourselves going,” he said with bravery. Rogerio was in charge of the heavy guns, such as a bazooka, and when needed he used his pistol. The conditions of the war were not easy, sometimes they had no water to drink, they had to eat rice every day, and the soldiers slept in a trench four feet deep which they poked holes to keep an eye out for attackers.
            Many humid, hot and restless nights the soldiers would try to entertain themselves by drinking beer and playing the small wooded guitars. Some soldiers, like my uncle, would take the new born animals that were in the jungle and raise them; they had dogs, monkeys, squirrels, and a cheetah. “I had a small dog that was better than any soldier. Quito (the dog’s name) would tell if anyone or anything was coming from near or far” my uncle said proudly. Some nights the soldiers got drunk and one of those nights my uncle woke up the next day with a tattoo on his arm, “It was a drunken mistake,” he laughingly explained. The tattoo, done by my uncle himself is a snake wrapped around a sword which symbolized nothing at the time, but now has a long history behind it. Though he was million miles away, he kept in touch with his family and his second family in Spain.
At the end of 1972, my uncle was shipped back to Portugal. He stayed there for two months then followed his family’s footsteps to America to start a new chapter of his life.  Today my uncle is married, has two daughters, and a beautiful granddaughter. Many times he brings up the stories of his past challenges. These challenges made him stronger and made him who he is today.
             

Post Write:
-          I feel that my profile states about an interesting person. My uncle has gone through challenges that make him who he is today. At the age of eleven he ran away to Spain, at twenty-one he went to fight in war, and after war he came to America.

-          I need to try to cut information that is not needed to be in length requirements of 500-700 words. I also need to add physical description to some parts of my essay. I could describe how my uncle looked like during the war.

-          1) Does the profile immediately grab your attention?
2) Does the essay flow smoothly from one challenge to another?
3) Were you interested in my uncle’s challenges as you read the essay?

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Education is My Main Priority (Application Essay second draft)


UMASS Dartmouth Undergraduate Prompt:
·         Transfer applicants must attach a one-page statement about the experiences and the reasons why you are considering transfer or resuming your academic career.

Education is My Main Priority
            Education is one of my main priorities in life. Ever since I was a child, my parents encouraged me to thrive in school. Though my parents never attended a higher institution, they taught me that having an education will give me growth and success in the future. My parents, as many, left loved ones behind in-order to immigrate to the United States in search of a better life. Through their struggles and their passion for success, they were able to live comfortably and give me and my sibling a better life compared to their own. My parents are my inspiration to further my education.
            Being a senior in high school was overwhelming to decide what colleges I would like to apply to. There are so many possibilities and so many different career options. At that time, I was not sure what career I wanted to pursue. I applied into the General Studies program in Bristol Community College to explore the different options. Today, I am certain I want to pursue my career in business.
            I am very interested in the business and honors programs that are offered at UMASS Dartmouth.  In the future I will hope to own a business like my father; he is my inspiration to earn my business degree. The university has a well-known and acknowledged business and honors program. The school meets my financial status and it is located close to home. My sister is currently enrolled in UMASS Dartmouth and she said the school has given her the education she needs to pursue a job in business. For these reasons, I believe that applying to the business program at UMASS will enable me to achieve my goal of earning my college degree.
`           I think it is very important to further my education in order to follow the track to success. Most jobs require a person who not only has a degree, but they also look for those who have high ambition, commitment, and the ability to further themselves in their career. With my transfer to UMASS, I believe I will get not only the desired college degree but also a life enhancing experience that will prepare me for whatever my future holds.

Post Write:
·         I feel like I answered the prompt clearly. I will like to transfer to UMASS Dartmouth to receive a college degree in business. My father is my inspiration to go in the business field. Education is my main priority; it will help me follow the track of success.
·         Writing this paper it was hard to see what I should put and what I should leave out. I want to answer the prompt, without giving a lot of personal detail.
·         1) Does the reader understand my main topic in the essay?
2) What other things could I add to make this more of an application essay without giving to much personal detail?

Monday, October 3, 2011

Education is My Main Priority (Application Essay)

UMASS Dartmouth Undergraduate Prompt:
·         Transfer applicants must attach a one-page statement about the experiences and the reasons why you are considering transfer or resuming your academic career.

Education is My Main Priority
            Education is one of my main priorities in life. Ever since I was a child, my parents encouraged me to thrive in school. Though my parents never attended a higher institution, they taught me that having an education will give me growth and success in the future. My parents, as many, left loved ones behind in-order to immigrate to the United States in search of a better life. Through their struggles and their passion for success, they were able to live comfortably and give me and my sibling a better life compared to their own. My parents are my inspiration to further my education.
            Being a senior in high school was overwhelming to decide what colleges I would like to apply to. There are so many possibilities and so many different career options. At that time, I was not sure what career I wanted to pursue. I applied into the General Studies program in Bristol Community College to explore the different options. Today, I am certain I want to pursue my career in business.
            I am very interested in the business and honors programs that are offered at UMASS Dartmouth.  The university has a well-known and acknowledged business and honors program. The school meets my financial status and it is located close to home. My sister is currently enrolled in UMASS Dartmouth and she said the school has given her the education she needs to pursue a job in business. For these reasons, I believe that applying to the business program at UMASS will enable me to achieve my goal of earning my college degree.
`           I think it is very important to further my education in order to follow the track to success. Most jobs require a person who not only has a degree, but they also look for those who have high ambition, commitment, and the ability to further themselves in their career. With my transfer to UMASS, I believe I will get not only the desired college degree but also a life enhancing experience that will prepare me for whatever my future holds.

Post Write:
·         I feel that the reader will understand my topic. The title of the essay tells the reader that education is my main priority. I also stated in my essay that I am certain I want to pursue my career in business; I hope to transfer to UMASS Dartmouth for the business and honors programs.
·         I believe I still should give more detail why I want to transfer to UMASS Dartmouth.
·         1) Does my essay answer the prompt?
2) Should I add something else in my application essay to show UMASS Dartmouth that I am a good candidate?